Cheating and infidelity: what to look for…what to do

Posted in Divorce.

Suspicion of infidelity is a horrible thing.

It can cause insecurity, anxiety, fear, sleeplessness, depression, and can occupy your thoughts and mind all hours of the day and night.

You begin to speculate: What did I do to drive him/her them away? Did I love him/her them enough? Did I smother him/her? Will I ever trust him/her again? Will our relationship ever be the same? What does the other person have that I don’t?

After a while your health can suffer and your performance at work can suffer.

And then it starts to affect others.

Your children can become aware that something is “wrong with Mommy and Daddy”, and they too can feel insecurity, anxiety, fear, sleeplessness…

And they too will begin to speculate.

Infidelity hurts the whole family…especially innocent children.

And it destroys the safety and sanctity your home.

I have been a private investigator for over fifteen years and have conducted many domestic investigations, performed many background checks, and conducted many, many hours of surveillance.

Throughout the years, I have become sensitive to the “red flags” that may indicative that someone in a relationship was being unfaithful.

Also, please note that I am not an attorney and am not providing legal advice. When in doubt, check with your attorney or other legal advisor –especially in matters regarding your partner’s privacy.

So, let me share with you number of subtle (and not-so-subtle) clues that you should be aware of, if you suspect that your partner is being unfaithful.

While none of these “red flags” automatically mean you are being deceived, they should be regarded as possible indicators of deceit, to determine if further investigation is warranted.


Usually, the thing that will tip you off is a change in behavior.

So, let’s look at just a few of the behaviors that you might observe, if your loved one was being unfaithful:

Behavior At Home: Your partner or spouse…

¨ Appears distant, show a lack of interest or develop an unexplained aloofness

¨ Is frequently tired or lack interest in the relationship

¨Comes home smelling of an unfamiliar fragrance

¨Wears perfume/cologne much more often than usual

¨Arrives home and heads straight into the shower/bath

¨Gets dressed up a little too well (to) for trips to the grocery or running some other kind of errand or menial task

¨Begins to speak more and more harshly to you, or are more sarcastic. Sometimes this is just an attempt to justify their cheating…or to give them an excuse to storm out of the room/house

¨Asks about your schedule more often than usual

¨Develops an increased focus on losing weight or pays more attention to their appearance

¨Stops wearing his/her wedding ring and, when asked, can’t give a reasonable explanation

Romance: Your partner or spouse…

¨Is no longer interested in sex, or he/she makes excuses for its infrequency.

¨Starts to request kinky or other erotic sexual activity (behavior) that you’ve never done before, including watching porn

¨Shows a “new talent” in the bedroom (that they might have learned from the individual with whom they’ve been cheating)

¨Appears reluctant to kiss you, or show affection toward you.

¨Criticizes you for showing him/her attention.

¨Continues giving poor excuses for why he/she is not in the mood to make love.

Work-related: Your partner or spouse…

¨Work longer hours, more frequently…and keep you from viewing their paycheck/pay-stubs

¨Changes their established routine with no apparent reason

¨Begins discouraging you from calling him/her them at work

¨Is often “unavailable” when you try to call him/her at work.

¨Returns calls long after you leave a message for him/her.

¨Prefers to attend work functions (or any events) alone and tries to discourage you from attending.

¨Takes more trips for business reasons and even refuses to let you drive him/her to the airport.

Telephone Mannerisms: Your partner or spouse…

¨Receives “mysterious” phone calls.

¨You get an increasing number of hang-ups or “wrong numbers” when you pick up the phone. Especially if the caller hangs up after hearing your voic

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