I dreamt one day, I was walking directionless, unfeeling and abstract. Yes abstract…like I am there and still not there. Life passed by me, days, events, people all, I could register nothing and no one. I was getting weary by the minute, and could not find the strength to go on. Involuntarily my body slumped down and I sat to rest. There was this cold wind blowing I could feel the wind wisp through my hair and face… It was like awakening from the slumber… I see not far away a figure walking towards me, without any intimation or slightest cue he just sat beside me …he lifted my face towards him. Or was it me involuntarily turning mine to him I cant say, my heart did a jig when I saw those beautiful eyes so deep and dangerous, it held a thousand secrets, and when his lips curved to smile at me, his eyes reflected the mirth. Like a moth drawn to light I was being transported to another world …another lifetime…. Then as suddenly as he had appeared, the same way he just seemed to fade away…I could do nothing…my heart screamed for him to stop…but my lips found no words…and I was again shrouded by the same darkness. I cannot tell how long I sat there, how many hours, or days.
Then, even before I saw him, I could feel his presence approaching me, I awakened and came in contact with reality, and in just the same way it happened prior everything followed. But today, I could not resist the urge to want feel him, touch him and hold him. He gave me that happiness too. He let me do all that my heart desired… Except to have offered himself to me he took nothing off me. As days passed on … this routine continued and I got bolder by the day… I wanted to consume him emotionally mentally and physically. He held me in an embrace ever so gentle yet the underlying strength in them like a metal coil could not be ignored. There in his arms and drinking from the depths of his eyes, I lost my soul to him.
One day I got brave and voiced my desire to have his heart for mine, he looked at me long and deep and smiled, I could not discern his smile, he said, “You cannot have it” so saying he turned and left. I felt my heart wrenched off me .
I am still waiting… I am not any wiser. But, definitely alive enough for my heart to wonder, was he benevolent in offering himself to me or was it an act of selfishness in its raw form? Should I feel grateful he offered himself to me to do as I please or feel sorry, he never took possession of me? Should I be happy I am alive for pain he has given my heart or sad to have lost him? Was he the Messiah or the Devil? There is no telling. I am trying to raise again have to find the strength in me to keep going. The interlude was necessary to wake me up. May be, it will serve as a shield before I bid my final adieu and my journey ends…This is where the dream breaks and I wake up.
The best interpretation I could possibly reach is, ”sometimes pain is necessary so that one must live” And ” Not all act of selfishness a vice.”