How could i have done that to him?

Posted in Divorce.

Have you ever thought of fooling around on your husband? Have you secretly snuck out and been with someone else? Some of us think about it. Some of us don’t. Some of us act on it and have fantasies about our attractive next door neighbor and then quickly put a stop to it. But there are some of us that eventually put these thoughts and fantasies to action and have an affair.

I asked myself so many times, how could I have done that? How could I have fooled around on him so many times without feeling guilt, remorse or anything? How could I have pretended that nothing had happened? How could I have lied without feeling guilty? How could he not know different? The answers didn’t come.

When I first met him, I thought for sure that we were meant to meet. It was destiny. I suppose at that time, it was important for me to meet someone who was in college, and he was and he had a great family, which I didn’t. We also had fun, but I wasn’t attracted to him physically, that I knew but I didn’t think about it more than that. When I found out I was pregnant, I was 22, and he had just moved to Edmonton to take on his first job. I was still in college and didn’t want to finish the semester being pregnant. Ashamed, I guess, I moved to Edmonton and eventually found work and settled there with him. I was so unhappy, and didn’t want to have sex with him, let alone after our son was born.

According to my doctor, I was having difficulties adjusting to my new life, the distance, the baby etc explained why I was not interested in him. Yet I was with others. We married when our son was 8 months old. We didn’t have to worry about much, cause our families were taken care of everything at a distance. It was expected that we would marry and we did. One of the first times, it occurred was when I was 24 and our oldest son was 10 months. I was visiting with my brother who was getting married that weekend. It was with his much younger, usher. Although we didn’t have sexual relations, we spent a lot of time together and were intimate. I missed the intimacy when I returned to Edmonton.

I had more than one or two one night stands For a while they seem to occur every four to five months. And I was in complete denial. They continued after we moved back to Northern Ontario and didn’t stop until, he had had enough of my coming in late or the next day and probably tired of hearing yet another excuse of why I slept out that night, another lie. We separated after being married for close to 3 years.

After we split up, I was out of control. My life during the week was very professional, working as a safety officer for a local police force, and on weekends, partying and bringing home another man. My young children did start calling some of these men, daddy. They must have found it quite confusing.

About ten years later, I got remarried. Another relationship and another breakup. I had married, again, because it was the right thing to do, yet I knew that my emotions weren’t involved with him. I still married and 1 ½ year later we split up because I had been unfaithful to him, twice and with the same man.

The answers didn’t come to me all at once. They gradually started when I was tired of starting over. At first I thought I had problems committing to someone, so I would go out with someone that I thought met certain criteria. I would go out with them and only them until I couldn’t anymore. I did that a few times, went out with men for 4 months at a time without fooling around behind their back. I thought I was doing well. I thought I was learning to commit.

I didn’t know what commit meant. A few years later, I met an older man who had it together. He was rich, very attractive and sexy, like hell. I wasn’t able to be me with him, all the time; I would drink and smoke to be me. I learned with him what it may feel like to be loved and to love. My feelings started to wake up, and I didn’t know what to do with them. I wanted more and I wanted it fast. I wanted immediate gratification. Always did. Months later, he decided to ‘take a leave of absence’ and called the relationship off. He had his reasons and I was devastated. I felt pain like I never felt before and I drank and smoked the pain away only for it to resurface the next day. I hadn’t fooled around on

him, and to forget about it quickly I substituted his presence with alcohol, drugs and other men. A pattern was surfacing but I didn’t know it yet.

A few months later, another experience came my way. He was everything that I thought I wanted; liked to party, laugh, great with his kids, worked, great handyman. I know I was with him at the beginning to help me forget the older man. I knew that if I didn’t spend

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