How do I get clear on what I need vs. what I want?
Many women tell me all the time; they are clear on what they need from a partner. They might say, “Oh I need a man that is fit, makes lots of money, rides a motorcycle, is tall, tanned, blonde with blue eyes and lots of tattoos on his chest, because I like manly men.” for example.
Well that sounds pretty clear right? NO WAY!
How is him riding a motorcycle and having tattoos going to meet her “needs”? What EXACTLY does being “fit” mean? Does she care how he “makes lots of money”? Blonde hair and blue eyes, are those a necessity from her life partner, or just a preference?
Remember I wrote earlier about having a relationship Mission Statement? This was where you were to write down everything you will and will not accept from a man. What works for you and what doesn’t. But what if you’re just not sure yet what works for you?
Well an easy place to start for your Mission Statement is to look at your father and look at any ex-boyfriends or husbands. What did you love about them? What did you hate? All of my exes told me I was beautiful, gorgeous, and sexy and were the sweetest, most exciting and romantic men I had ever met so obviously THAT would be my preference when looking for a husband right?
Hell no! There is a reason why they were all EXES. I realized after many broken hearts that this kind of guy obviously wasn’t working for me or else they’d all still be around.
So I started dating other kinds of men…all kinds of men…short, tall, fat, bald, blondes, musicians, accountants, arrogant ones, spiritual ones, rich ones, poor ones, etc. etc. By doing all this dating I discovered spontaneous romantic men that told me I was beautiful, gorgeous and sexy were lots of fun and made me feel great but most of they didn’t meet my needs. Sure they were great in bed and great with the lines but a lot of them were “broken men”. None of them were stable enough or “man” enough to be able to accept that my son was my number one priority and get into a mundane “relationship routine” with me. None of them were very handy around the house or able to manage my finances either and those were two things I NEEDED.
This was an unusual lesson for me to learn because I thought I really, really wanted an exciting, spontaneous, romantic man, dark hair, blue eyes, tattooed and “manly”. Maybe so but I had already dated that man, (many times) and I was married to that man too and learned that what I really needed was a man that valued family, accepted my son as his own, was good with money (because I sucked at managing my own finances) and wasn’t going to be so spontaneous he could leave me.
Bottom Line: My NEED was to feel taken care of, safe, protected and secure. My Mission Statement had to state that my man be strong, smart, good with children, good with finances and have a secure job so he could take care of me and our kids. All of this would result in me feeling taken care of, safe, protected and secure.
That is exactly what I declared that I deserved on my Mission Statement and when “hunting” for my future husband, I didn’t accept anything less. In the end, that is exactly what I got. My husband is an Automotive Master Technician, making more money than I do. He loves my son, can’t wait to have kids with me AND just happens to have dark hair, blue eyes and sexy, tattooed arms.
So, ladies, have a look at your dating track record, have a look at your dad…what do YOU need vs. what you want?